(Two teenage BOYS. Somewhere at school.)
FIRST BOY
They said I was too young to know.
SECOND BOY
Maybe they’re right.
FIRST BOY
I know.
SECOND BOY
At least they didn’t throw you out.
FIRST BOY
My dad went back to reading the newspaper. “You’re too young to know” and bang — up goes the paper, only he’s turnin’ the pages way too fast to be readin’ em.
SECOND BOY
Dude, are you checkin’ out my butt?
FIRST BOY
Ha ha.
(Beat.)
Check this—I roll out of bed this morning, and my mom’s like Super Mom. She’s baking chocolate chip cookies and banana bread and cereal—
SECOND BOY
She’s baking cereal?
FIRST BOY
No—there’s a bowl of cereal at my place.
SECOND BOY
Is it the kind you like?
FIRST BOY
Who cares.
SECOND BOY
Sometimes when my mom’s mad at me, she makes me eat calves liver or tofu or tuna fish or—
FIRST BOY
It was Captain Crunch.
SECOND BOY
That’s all you ever eat.
FIRST BOY
No it’s not.
SECOND BOY
For breakfast it is. So if it’s Captain Crunch, what’s the problem?
FIRST BOY
Nothing, only she makes me try everything. The Captain Crunch and all the stuff she’s baking. My mom never bakes.
SECOND BOY
She let you eat cookies for breakfast?
FIRST BOY
Not let me. Made me. Four of ’em.
(Pause.)
I said, “Mom, even if you make me fat, I’m still not gonna’ be straight.” And she says I’m too young to know and sticks a loaf of whole wheat bread in the oven.
SECOND BOY
(Beat.)
Maybe she’s right.
FIRST BOY
About what?
SECOND BOY
Maybe you’ll grow out of it.
FIRST BOY
I won’t.
SECOND BOY
But you don’t know that for sure.
FIRST BOY
I’m pretty sure.
SECOND BOY
Are you two plus two equals four sure?
(Pause.)
Maybe if you tried really hard—
FIRST BOY
You wanna’ come over for dinner? I think she’s bakin’ a chocolate cake and pizza and—
SECOND BOY
I can’t.
FIRST BOY
(Pause.)
She’ll probably still be bakin’ tomorrow. You want to come over tomorrow?
SECOND BOY
I don’t think I can tomorrow either.
FIRST BOY
(Beat.)
How come?
SECOND BOY
I want to, but…
FIRST BOY
But…?
SECOND BOY
(Beat.)
If people think your mom bakes, they might think my mom bakes too.