We’re On A Mission

FIRST TEEN
Just a little closer.

SECOND TEEN
This is so wrong on so many levels.

FIRST TEEN
People do it all the time.

SECOND TEEN
That doesn’t make it right.

FIRST TEEN
Just a few more steps.

SECOND TEEN
Steps?

FIRST TEEN
Crawls.

SECOND TEEN
How has nobody said anything?

FIRST TEEN
We’re blending. People are too busy enjoying their lobster crusted steak or whatever they’re eating. That and I slipped the waiter a Lincoln.

SECOND TEEN
A five?

FIRST TEEN
It’s all I had. He said he was gonna be making a tableside Caesar for four minutes and fifteen seconds, but after that, if he looked down and saw us, he was gonna have us thrown in the dumpster.

SECOND TEEN
The— Thrown in the—

FIRST TEEN
Oh. I think he also said he was gonna call the police.

SECOND TEEN
Not the dumpster then.

FIRST TEEN
After the dumpster. We are kinda stalking.

SECOND TEEN
Why did I let you talk—

FIRST TEEN
Because you know that [pick a current music star] is my life. And being my best friend—

SECOND TEEN
I’m your best friend?

FIRST TEEN
Who else would—

SECOND TEEN
Amber [Artie].

FIRST TEEN
Is Amber [Artie] getting rug burns on her [his] knees, helping me achieve that one moment of total bliss that will come from a selfie with [first name of star]? Heck no.

SECOND TEEN
So we have four minutes and fifteen seconds before the wait—

FIRST TEEN
I heard someone call him Robert.

SECOND TEEN
Before Robert has us thrown in the dumpster and calls the cops.

FIRST TEEN
More like three now. Or two and a half. Oh no—they just brought back his credit card.

SECOND TEEN
He’s signing.

FIRST TEEN
His friend is getting up.

SECOND TEEN
It’s OK. We’ll cut them off. There’s only one route from his table to the door.

FIRST TEEN
Twenty feet. We can totally crawl twenty feet. We can do this.

(They crawl at a furious pace.)

SECOND TEEN
Yes, we can.
(Beat.)
What’s wrong with that woman?

FIRST TEEN
Which woman?

SECOND TEEN
The one who’s all—

(The Second Teen makes snorting, coughing, choking sounds.)

FIRST TEEN
That seems kind of rude at a nice restaurant.

(The First Teen alters trajectory.)

FIRST TEEN
Forty-five degree turn. Go.

SECOND TEEN
(Figuring it out:)
I think she’s choking.

FIRST TEEN
I knew geometry wasn’t totally worthless. Wait—what?

SECOND TEEN
She’s definitely choking.
(Beat.)
What do we do?

FIRST TEEN
That waiter in the corner will help her. He sees her.

SECOND TEEN
He’s getting [star’s first name]’s coat.

FIRST TEEN
No no no this can’t be happening.

SECOND TEEN
I took that weekend course at the Y.

FIRST TEEN
How fast can you save her?

(They crawl toward a table just offstage and then stand.)

SECOND TEEN
(Exiting toward the table:)
Ma’am, I know this looks weird, but I’m going to save you.

(The lights flicker. It’s now shortly afterward. Both teens are back onstage and look stuffed with food.)

FIRST TEEN
His [Her] music changed my life. I’ll probably never be that close again. I just wanted one picture.

SECOND TEEN
Lady’s gonna live. It was nice of her to buy us dinner—

SECOND TEEN
(Beat.)
No you won’t. You still got the music, right?