ANNE
Monica, are you awake?
(Beat.)
Monica?
(Beat.)
Monica!
MONICA
What?
ANNE
Are you awake?
(Monica groans.)
MONICA
What are you doing?
ANNE
What are you doing?
MONICA
Sleeping.
ANNE
You can’t.
(Monica turns over and tries to ignore her. Beat. Anne turns on the lights. Monica groans.)
This isn’t working for me.
MONICA
What? Turn off the lights.
ANNE
This is supposed to be a sleepover, but you’re just…sleeping.
MONICA
It’s…what time is it?
ANNE
Four. And we should be up, talking about guys and dyeing each other’s hair purple, text messaging our friends to tell them what an amazing time we’re having—
MONICA
Sleepover. Sleep.
(Monica tries to cover her head with a pillow, but Anne pulls it off.)
ANNE
It has nothing to do with sleep. If you wanted to sleep, you should have stayed home.
MONICA
What’s wrong with you?
ANNE
Me?! Did we cross into an alternate universe where up is down?
MONICA
What time did you say it was?
ANNE
Four.
MONICA
Everybody’s asleep at four.
ANNE
Not at a sleepover. By four we should be confiding our deepest, darkest secrets, secrets so secret that we have to swear on the grave of an A-list celebrity never to tell.
(Monica tries to hide under the covers, but Anne starts to pull them off.)
MONICA
Hey!
ANNE
(As they struggle:)
What if people found out that we…slept?!
(Monica, with a forceful pull, comes up with the blanket.)
MONICA
(Beat.)
I won’t tell anyone.
ANNE
Once you’re on the list, do you know how hard it is to get off?
MONICA
I promise.
ANNE
It’s like a big black lipstick smudge of Cain on your forehead. No one’s gotten it off in the history of
(Anne should say the name of her school:)
____________.
MONICA
I promise I won’t tell. What if I got up extra early—
ANNE
It is extra early.
(Beat—starting to pack Monica’s things:)
I never would’ve invited you if I’d known you’d be like this.
MONICA
Wait—
(Beat.)
I want to swap secrets and talk about guys…
ANNE
(Stops packing:)
Yeah…? I’m listening.
MONICA
We could set a time—eight. Nobody’s gonna’ be up at eight on a Saturday. We could do all that, and they’d never know.
ANNE
I’d know, and what if it just slips out? I see how you look at Ryan. Your mouth opens—you look like a whale from science class feeding on plankton.
Yeah—you get all whale mouthy, and something might just slip out.
MONICA
Four hours. That’s all I ask.
ANNE
You ask too much.
(Beat.)
I could maybe do it, if I had some kind of proof that you won’t say anything.
MONICA
Proof?
ANNE
Like a hostage.
(Beat.)
Yeah. If I had a hostage, maybe we could make this work.
MONICA
But I promised—
ANNE
Just cause you’re on honor roll doesn’t mean you don’t lie. I mean, it’s not like I know you.
MONICA
We’ve been best friends since kindergarten.
ANNE
I thought I did, but then this, and now you’re like some stranger from off the street. Speaking Russian.
MONICA
Come on—we were green tea goddesses. You can’t tell me you don’t remember the Green Tea Goddess Green Tea Tickle?
(Singing—sort of:)
Green Tea Goddesses forever…
It’s the Camp Teatotem way—
ANNE
Your cat.
MONICA
What?
ANNE
If I had Captain Snuffles as a hostage, I’d feel better.
MONICA
You want my cat?
(Beat.)
You can’t take my cat.
ANNE
Not take. Just take for a little while. Until I’m sure.
MONICA
Of what?
ANNE
That these four hours aren’t going to blow up in my face.
MONICA
I’m not giving you Captain Snuffles.
ANNE
Then stay up.
MONICA
I can’t. Even if I wanted to, he’s at my house.
ANNE
(Pointing at the box:)
Actually…
MONICA
You psycho! You kidnapped—
ANNE
He chases after Eddie.
MONICA
Oh yeah—he chases after your little brother for two miles right into a box in your room.
ANNE
It helps when Eddie rubs tuna fish all over his body and stands outside your window.
MONICA
(Getting up:)
I’m coming, Captain Snuffles…
Anne blocks her way.
ANNE
You don’t look so tired now.
MONICA
Give me my cat.
ANNE
Give me a secret first.
MONICA
You’re not being a good goddess.
(Beat.)
I’m not in love with Ryan. I don’t even like him that much. I like Jerome, and since they’re always standing next to each other, it looks like I’m in love with Ryan. Now give me my—
ANNE
I still have nightmares about that clown.
MONICA
What?
ANNE
The clown.
MONICA
(Beat.)
The one holding the cotton candy?
ANNE
He won’t stop chasing me.
MONICA
But that’s—
ANNE
Don’t laugh at me. I should’ve never told you I—
MONICA
Did you know Captain Snuffles was specially trained as a clown-fighting cat?
ANNE
(Beat.)
Really?
MONICA
No.
ANNE
Oh. You’re making fun of—
MONICA
But I’m not so bad at clown fighting.
ANNE
(Beat.)
Yeah?
MONICA
Yeah.
(Beat.)
My turn for another secret?
(The lights dim on Anne and Monica.)