CHUCK
I bought the all-black like you wanted. I don’t have any more—
MIRANDA
You’re not in trouble.
(Chuck lets out a sigh of relief.)
MIRANDA
You like Marne, don’t you?
CHUCK
Uh…no. Not, uh…like. You mean like like or—
MIRANDA
Don’t lie.
CHUCK
Yes.
MIRANDA
Awww…that’s so sweet.
CHUCK
If you’re just gonna make fun of-
MIRANDA
Who’s making fun of you? I just said it’s sweet.
CHUCK
I guess.
MIRANDA
Did I or did I not just say it was sweet?
CHUCK
(Beat.)
You never talked to me before.
MIRANDA
That’s not true.
CHUCK
You talk to me when you want something.
MIRANDA
Better than not talking to you at all.
CHUCK
So what do you want?
MIRANDA
Chuckie. Chuckie Chuck Chuck. Chuckety Chuckety. I like that. Chuckety Chuckety.
CHUCK
Great.
MIRANDA
So you like Marne, huh?
CHUCK
You asked me that already.
MIRANDA
Just making sure.
(Chuck nods. Long pause.)
You seem really nervous. Do I make you nervous?
CHUCK
If I’m about to get totally hosed, can we just get it over with?
MIRANDA
It must suck to hang out with a hottie like Dalton. Watch all those girls checking him out and know that they’re not looking at you at all.
CHUCK
I bought what you wanted.
MIRANDA
Why does he hang out with you?
CHUCK
I did what you said.
MIRANDA
I just asked a question.
CHUCK
Our moms went to junior high together.
MIRANDA
That’s cute.
CHUCK
I gotta go.
MIRANDA
No you don’t.
CHUCK
But I—
MIRANDA
Maybe somebody’s looking at you too…
(Beat.)
Marne needs your help.
CHUCK
(Beat.)
She said that?
MIRANDA
She has this problem. And I’m sure if somebody solved it…
(She runs a finger up his chest.)
Imagine Marne doing that.
CHUCK
Oh God.
MIRANDA
Do you still have to go?
CHUCK
(Barely audible:)
No.
MIRANDA
Just solve this problem…for Marne. I’m sure she’d be grateful. Especially now that she broke up with what’s his name.
CHUCK
I didn’t know they broke up.
MIRANDA
She doesn’t want it to distract people before the vigil.
(Beat.)
They’re still friends.
(Blowing in his ear or something similarly seductive:)
Just friends.
CHUCK
What’s the problem?
(Lights dim on them as she whispers into his ear.)