TEEN ARTIST
I call this “Godzilla eats Jane Simmons’ Face,” or when I get famous and the people who own the trademark for Godzilla come after me with their blood-sucking lawyers, it’ll become “Giant Dino-Lizard Bearing No Resemblance to a Certain Prehistoric Movie Franchise Monster that Fires Radioactive Beams from its Mouth Eats Jane Simmons’ Face.”
(Moving on:)
This one next to it is “Train Emerges from Cloud to Drive Through Liam Gardner’s Large Intestine.”
(Beat.)
I’m also quite proud of my natural disaster series.
(Pointing:)
Alex Gonzalez and Chris Johnson, showing off their perfect tans, only seconds from suffocation in “Unmelting Avalanche of Snow Buries Jock Jerks on Beach.” Alliteration is always awesome—sometimes I slay myself.
(Pointing:)
And here we see the entire marching band about to be annihilated by a hundred-foot tsunami wave of hydrochloric acid. I call it “The Entire Marching Band About to be Annihilated by a Hundred-Foot Tsunami Wave of Hydrochloric Acid.”
(Pointing:)
And my personal favorite, that horror show of self-involvement, Helen Holly, about to be incinerated beyond all recognition by a lava flow picking her off from atop the cheer pyramid.
(Beat.)
I’m also working on a Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse set and the complete Biblical plagues, though I’m worried there might be some overlap.
(Beat.)
People think I’m disturbed. I’m like no, this is my art. This is me expressing myself so that I don’t become disturbed. So what if everyone in the selfie is inches from an incredibly gruesome death. That’s art doing what it does best. I have to witness your daily acts of complete narcissism and I’m surviving. So get over it.
(The Artist selfies in front of the images.)