Free Monologue "Artful Dodger" by Jonathan Dorf

Artful Dodger is late teens, fallen on hard times. He’s missing a toe on either foot and wears a plastic bag on either foot. He’s got a cough he can’t rid of. He’s just made an inept attempt to kill Oliver Twist in a misguided attempt to help him achieve “martyr” status and talks to Oliver.

In the play, the Artful Dodger is male, but for audition/classroom purposes, this monologue could be played by an actor of either gender. Run Like the Dickens (aka Tiny Tim Runs the Marathon) is published by Playscripts. Click here to order a copy.

(Warning: Using this monologue without permission is illegal, as is reproducing it on a website or in print in any way)

ARTFUL DODGER

I says to myself, Dodger, what Oliver needs to lift his spirits is a picnic with a view. So I go and get me this frying pan, only I see it’s dented, so I think, how do you fix a dented frying pan? With a bat to bang it back into place. And if that don’t work, get yourself a hammer and a wrench and…I can’t do this. I can’t lie anymore.

(Beat.)

It’s the only way, they said. Tiny Tim’s got him beat and he’s closin’ in for the kill. But you take Oliver martyr, and Twist goes out on top and stays there, ‘cause martyr’s at the top of the pecking line, and don’t matter how inspirational Tiny Tim gets, he can’t touch you.

(He has a coughing fit.)

I just wanted to see you get what you deserve, but I ain’t no good at anything. I’m lower than dirt. Lower than a cockroach. Lower than—something really, really low.

(Beat.)

Now you’re finished, and it’s all my fault.

Artful Dodger

Hear about my latest plays, get playwriting tips and more!

info@jonathandorf.com