MELISSA
Thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six—
MIRANDA
Do you seriously need to count out loud?
MELISSA
Do you want me to remember the count?
MARNE
Let’s just get one of those Square thingies.
MIRANDA
Good call.
MELISSA
Yeah—we all have smart phones.
MIRANDA
(Under her breath:)
Smart phone, dumb user.
MELISSA
What?
MIRANDA
Nada.
MARNE
(Finishing her count:)
It’s official. The all-blacks are our biggest seller.
MELISSA
We should go out to dinner and celebrate.
MARNE
It’s not about us.
MELISSA
Doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate our success. And not some ick fast food place.
MARNE
You know I don’t eat fast food. Or chains.
MELISSA
So let the fund take us for Italian.
MARNE
The fund?
MIRANDA
(Sotto to Marne:)
Somebody’s been reading.
MELISSA
(Ignoring Miranda:)
Well, we’re like a charity–right?
MARNE
Yeah…?
MELISSA
Just cause it’s a charity doesn’t mean all the charity goes to charity.
MIRANDA
Cause that made sense.
MELISSA
Charities have overhead.
MIRANDA
Again with the big words.
MELISSA
Jealous much?
MIRANDA
Not much.
MELISSA
How much have we raised?
MIRANDA
Thousands.
MELISSA
And we can’t get one lousy meatball dinner?
MIRANDA
I don’t eat meatballs.
MELISSA
It was an example.
MIRANDA
I don’t eat meat.
MELISSA
So have fish.
MIRANDA
I’m a vegan.
MELISSA
So have cheese ravioli. Who cares? The point is we’ve rocked Washington for a year. All-black sales are record-setting—
(To Marne:)
you said so yourself—
(To both:)
It’s vigil eve. Nobody’s gonna hate us for celebrating.
MIRANDA
Before we get all hallelujah, I got three no’s on the all-black.
MARNE
No, as in—
MIRANDA
As in not buying—wait—four. The new girl.
MARNE
And the other three?
MIRANDA
You know which three.
MARNE
Cut them some slack.
MIRANDA
You’ve cut them plenty of slack.
MARNE
Maybe they deserve it.
MELISSA
(Picking up Miranda’s theme:)
Yeah, you’ve given them lots of chances.
MIRANDA
But people could say you’ve given them too many.
(Beat.)
If they don’t buy, how long before it’s 20 people, or 100, or until Beth is just a plaque on the wall that nobody sees in a hallway nobody even walks through?
(To Marne:)
And til you’re just another ex-lacrosse player who used to matter…
MARNE
Don’t forget why we do this.
MIRANDA
Why do we do this? Melissa, do you know?
MELISSA
I didn’t even know her that well.
MIRANDA
Did you, Marne? You tore your whatever before the season even started. You didn’t play a game with—
MARNE
Do you know how much I’ve done—
MIRANDA
I do. But people could start to forget that. I’m over my outfit five minutes after I put it on.
MELISSA
You too?
MARNE
Shut up, Melissa.
MIRANDA
(To herself:)
Finally.
MELISSA
Uh, don’t tell me to shut up.
MARNE
Then don’t talk.
MIRANDA
That’s what I’m talking about.
MELISSA
Why are you ganging up on me?
MARNE
Deal with it.
MELISSA
Hey! I’m just as in this as you.
MIRANDA
(Ignoring Melissa:)
You are a world-class bitch, which is totally what I love about you.
MELISSA
So you can’t tell me to shut up.
MARNE AND MIRANDA
Shut up!
MIRANDA
I just don’t get why you suddenly turn all soft for these three losers.
(Long pause.)
MARNE
Because we weren’t the only ones who lost something.
MIRANDA
But who’s got something to lose now?
(Beat.)
People want this. Look at what it’s done for our school, for the whole community.
MARNE
Yeah, but isn’t this why it happened in the first place?
MIRANDA
Beth got into an accident.
MARNE
I’m not talking about Beth.
MIRANDA
(Beat.)
If you don’t step up, somebody will.
(Long pause.)
MARNE
I’m not there when it happens, and I don’t know anything about it.
MELISSA
(Beat.)
So…this celebration dinner…are we on?