(A high school bathroom. SID, any gender and wearing gloves, is on their knees next to a toilet. A plunger and a trash can or bag are nearby. JESS, any gender, watches from a safe distance. Sid fishes out a wad of wet tissues.)
SID
This is disgusting.
(Sid tosses it into the trash.)
JESS
This is why I make it a point not to get in trouble in Doberman’s class.
SID
This totally violates my First Amendment right against cruel and unusual punishment.
JESS
That’s the Eighth Amendment.
SID
Well, she definitely violated my First Amendment rights when she went into my backpack.
JESS
Fourth Amendment.
SID
Still, she shouldn’t have gone into my bag.
JESS
Maybe if the soap dispenser wasn’t hanging out.
SID
(Fishing another object out:)
Is this a t–
JESS
A feminine product.
SID
Everybody knows you’re not supposed to flush tam–
JESS
Don’t say it.
SID
Tam–
JESS
Don’t say the T-word!
(Beat.)
I throw up in my mouth.
SID
Seriously?
JESS
It started in sixth grade. After the…incident.
SID
Ohhh…
JESS
Yes. Ohhh…
SID
I thought you’d developed some sort of tick. You’d do that little rooster-pecking thing and–wow. Sorry.
(Beat.)
Are there any other words I should know about?
JESS
I’ll text you a list.
SID
(Fishing a wad of paper out:)
Is this a paper?
JESS
(Scrutinizing it:)
Everybody hates The Canterbury Tales.
SID
(To the author of the paper:)
Couldn’t you shred your F instead?
JESS
I’d burn it and scatter the ashes at sea.
SID
That’s why we’re friends.
(Fishing the next item out:)
Underwear?!
JESS
Boxers or briefs?
SID
I’m not looking close enough to find out.
(Next item, a sandwich wrapped in brown paper.)
Pastrami on rye with Russian dressing if the label’s right.
JESS
Eaten or uneaten?
SID
(Weighing it in their hand:)
Feels uneaten.
JESS
Why would someone flush an entire sandwich? And how is it still in one piece?
SID
(Pulling out more items:)
This is only getting weirder.
(In succession, Sid pulls out a tennis ball [or a baseball], salt and pepper shakers [each slightly bigger than the ball], a keyboard, a houseplant.)
JESS
This is straight up impossible.
(And finally a stuffed koala bear [alternatively, a panda or some other adorable animal]. Feel free to add more items, as long as the stuffed animal is last–but try to preserve an order that is incrementally more impossible in terms of size and likeliness to end up in a toilet pipe.)
SID
Why would somebody flush their koala [panda, etc.]?
JESS
I’m still stuck on how a koala [panda, etc.] fit into what I’m 99.9 percent certain is a tiny pipe.
SID
It didn’t quite.
JESS
It fit enough.
SID
You’re missing the point.
(Sid yanks from the toilet a small suitcase that reads “Hopes and Dreams”.)
SID
(Shaken:)
Oh. Oh my.
(Beat.)
Somebody’s in trouble.
JESS
Us. We’re clearly in an alternate universe.
SID
It’s like they’re letting go of their past and future all at once. Like they’re giving up.
JESS
Did you possibly inhale bowl water? Did I possibly inhale bowl water? Are we having a shared hallucination?
SID
We’ve got to find them.
JESS
I’m just going to sit for a minute and hope this passes.
SID
You can’t sit! Somebody needs us!
JESS
(Beat.)
OK–let’s pretend for a minute that we’re both completely sane, we’re in our proper place in the space-time continuum and we’re not under the influence of toilet toxin. How do you propose we find this person?
(Sid yanks one more item from inside the toilet, a giant map of the area.)
JESS
You’ve got to be kidding.
(Once unfolded, the map says “YOU ARE HERE” in giant letters with an arrow indicating a spot on the map.)
SID
Is that us? Are we here?
(Pointing to the spot on the map:)
There?
JESS
No.
(Pointing to the school bathroom, give or take, on the map:)
We’re more like here.
SID
(Pointing to the “YOU ARE HERE” spot:)
Then that’s where we need to go.
(Preparing to exit like a superhero:)
What are we waiting for?!
JESS
I can think of a few things.
SID
(Yanking Jess with them:)
Come on!
(They exit as the lights dim.)