MARK
And that is how you lower carbon emissions in a Third World city to be named later twenty-five percent by 2040 [or an appropriate year for your production]. Boom.
ASHLEY
Well, if you had money and people who would actually do it.
MARK
Yeah. There’s that.
ASHLEY
But boom.
MARK
If we get less than an A…
ASHLEY
We are so getting an A.
MARK
We should definitely be partners again.
ASHLEY
Definitely.
MARK
When?
(Verbalizing his interior monologue to the audience:)
What was that?
ASHLEY
Well, whenever we need partners again, I guess.
(Verbalizing her own:)
“Whenever”? That’s a total blow-off.
MARK
(Verbalizing:)
Talk about the project.
ASHLEY
(Verbalizing:)
Say something nice.
MARK
(Verbalizing:)
You’re good at talking about the project.
(To Ashley:)
The—what do you call the guys who pour the drinks?
ASHLEY
Baristas?
MARK
Yeah, the baristas are good here.
ASHLEY
Yeah.
MARK
(Verbalizing:)
Project! Not baristas. Project!
ASHLEY
(Verbalizing:)
“Yeah”? Seriously? Come on, Ashley!
(Beat. To Mark:)
I love the baristas here.
MARK
I learned a lot about the Third World.
ASHLEY
I love the Third World.
(Verbalizing:)
What?! Are you insane?!
MARK
(Verbalizing:)
Save this save this save this.
(To Ashley:)
Selfie?
ASHLEY
(Verbalizing:)
Oh no—what do I do?!
(To Mark:)
Heck yeah, selfie!
(Until noted, the conversation shifts back to the characters’ interior monologues.)
MARK
Why did I say that?
ASHLEY
I can’t believe I just said yes.
MARK
She’s going to know.
ASHLEY
He’s going to know.
MARK
OK. Breathe.
ASHLEY
(Reassuring herself:)
You’re good, Ashley. You’re good.
MARK
Think of something else.
ASHLEY
What does my mom say? “Redirect your energy.”
MARK
Wait—did she just smile at me?
ASHLEY
He does this weird thing when he’s thinking.
MARK
Of course she smiled. We just finished the project.
ASHLEY
He puts his lips together and crinkles his nose and looks like a baboon. It’s kind of adorable.
MARK
That was so not a “project is finished” smile.
ASHLEY
I think he likes me too.
MARK
I think she likes me too.
MARK & ASHLEY
(Beat.)
This is our first date!
MARK
And I’m wearing my aunt shirt!
ASHLEY
My face looks—
MARK
My great-aunt has no taste in shirts.
ASHLEY
Let’s not call it a zit. Let’s call it a “temporary imperfection.”
MARK
I love her to death, but I’ve never met anybody with so much tacky stuff.
ASHLEY
A really imperfect imperfection.
MARK
I shouldn’t pick out my clothes until I open my eyes all the way.
ASHLEY
If we use my phone, I could Photoshop [edit] that—
MARK
If I take it, I can Photoshop [edit] this shirt out.
ASHLEY & MARK
(To each other:)
I’ll take it.
ASHLEY
(To Mark:)
I think my phone has a better camera.
MARK
(To Ashley:)
They’re both about the same, and I…
(He waves his phone in the air to indicate that it’s already out. Beat. Both are again in their heads until otherwise noted.)
ASHLEY & MARK
I’m blowing it.
MARK
This is so gonna be my Waterford. Wait—that’s my mom’s china. Napoleon. Waterloo. Crap—I’m pretty sure I wrote Waterford on the test.
ASHLEY
Feasible, narcolepsy, eaglet. Sixth grade spelling bee words, go away. Barramundi.
MARK
At least I’m gonna get an A on this project.
ASHLEY
Crocodiles kill their prey by grabbing it in their jaws and twisting around and around, dragging it under the water and drowning it.
MARK
And an A+ for ruining our first date.
ASHLEY
It’s called a death roll.
MARK
Probably our last date.
ASHLEY
It seems slow and painful and horrible beyond all imagining.
MARK
I need to be bold. Mayday. Mayday.
ASHLEY
I am my own crocodile.
MARK
(To Ashley:)
Maybe…
ASHLEY
(To Mark:)
Yes…?
MARK
(To Ashley:)
I know we both want to selfie really bad.
ASHLEY
(Back in her head:)
Where’s he going with this…?
MARK
(To Ashley:)
But if we do it before we present, we might jinx it.
ASHLEY
Jinx it?
(In her head:)
That totally works!
MARK
(In his head:)
Please don’t hate me.
ASHLEY
(To Mark:)
Yeah. I think that makes sense.
(In her head, simultaneously:)
He’s perfect!
MARK
(In his head, simultaneously:)
She’s perfect!