FIRE CAPTAIN
The engineers say the building’s a mess.
BOB
A mess meaning…
FIRE CAPTAIN
We touch it…
(The Fire Captain makes the sound of a building coming crashing down–for a little too long and with a little too much enthusiasm.)
ANDI
So how are we—
FIRE CAPTAIN
Basically, the fact that they’re alive at all is a miracle. Somehow, when the building fell in, it created an air pocket, this little bubble of unimploded bliss, right around the dressing room.
BOB
A higher power.
FIRE CAPTAIN
If they’d been anywhere else, they’d have been flattened like pancakes and then had the air sucked right out of their lungs.
ANDI
So what are you saying?
FIRE CAPTAIN
I’m saying: basically, the fact that they’re alive at all is a miracle. Somehow, when the building fell in, it created an air pocket, this little bubble of unimploded bliss, right around the dressing room.
If they’d been anywhere else, they’d have been flattened like pancakes and then had the air sucked right out of their lungs.
ANDI
I know that. But what are you saying about the rescue?
FIRE CAPTAIN
I’m saying we can’t. Rescuing them would kill them.
BOB
You mean attempting to rescue them. If we rescued them…
FIRE CAPTAIN
Of course.
ANDI
Surely there must be a way.
FIRE CAPTAIN
We won’t stop trying. Those are supermodels in there. They deserve our best efforts.
ANDI
How much time?
FIRE CAPTAIN
That’s hard to say.
ANDI
Stop saying it’s hard to say.
(Beat.)
Is there something wrong?
FIRE CAPTAIN
I think we all agree a building collapse—
ANDI
With me. Is there something wrong with me? You’ve been staring at—no, you haven’t.
(Breathing deeply:)
We are all beautiful. I am beautiful. I am beautiful. Continue.
FIRE CAPTAIN
On the surface, it may seem simple enough: take the estimated available air, which is based on the volume of the uncollapsed dressing area, divide that by a supermodel’s average hourly oxygen intake and then multiply by the number of supermodels.
ANDI
So there we go.
FIRE CAPTAIN
But…there’s a small opening that is allowing air to get in.
ANDI
If they’re getting air, then what’s the problem?
BOB
The opening is good, right?
FIRE CAPTAIN
So it would seem. But the supermodels are consuming air much faster than it’s going in.
ANDI
But if there’s an opening, can’t you simply pump air in?
FIRE CAPTAIN
That’s what we thought. But the second we turned it up, it caused the structure to buckle.
ANDI
So if they get enough air to breathe—
FIRE CAPTAIN
They’ll be crushed. Precisely.
ANDI
(Beat.)
We can’t just sit here while they die.
(Beat.)
What do I even tell them?
BOB
You’ve been very good at lying so far. Tell them we’ll have them out by morning.
ANDI
But what if they have any last words? How can we deprive the fans of the guidance that only their supermodels can give? How can we allow an entire generation to grow up…parentless?
BOB
Tell ‘em they’re dying and you’re going to have a riot down there. They’ll collapse the building without any help from us.
FIRE CAPTAIN
In my limited experience with supermodels, I’m inclined to agree with the gentleman.
ANDI
(At some point during this speech, Bob and the Fire Captain start whistling “Battle Hymn of the Republic” in the background:)
Listen to you… Do you remember when Her Infinite Scrumptiousness broke a nail, and while lesser beings would have kicked and screamed, she didn’t make a peep.
Or when Jaw Dropperella fell off the runway and broke her neck and still got up and finished the show in only a collar? Or when the Ridiculously Radiant One continued her fashion shoot while the set was being held up at gunpoint, wrestling a camera from a masked man twice her size and armed with a .38, telling him that he’d get those shots over her dead body?
(Beat.)
Supermodels can do great things if we only give them the chance.
BOB
(Abruptly stopping whistling:)
Sorry.
FIRE CAPTAIN
Just got caught up.
BOB
Me too.
ANDI
I can’t lie anymore, Bob.
BOB
You want to tell them.
ANDI
We need to let the supermodels show the world who they are.
BOB
You realize there’s a risk that they’ll go completely nuts, the building will collapse and they’ll be dead in minutes.