Free Scenes - Cowboy and Cowgirl

From Beef Junkies


Cowboy and Cowgirl wait in ambush for the world's last cow, but beef addict Cowgirl isn't doing so well.

COWGIRL
And it tastes like chicken. I don't feel so good.

(He hugs her, trying to console her.)

COWBOY
I know.
 
COWGIRL
I need a cow.

COWBOY
I know.

COWGIRL
I know I'm weak.

COWBOY
It's not your fault.

COWGIRL
I can't stop.

COWBOY
You gotta' get your mind off it.

COWGIRL
I see a hamburger.

COWBOY
Where?

COWGIRL
(Points in the air not far away:)
There.

COWBOY
Where?

COWGIRL
By the tree. In the bun. Can't you see it?

COWBOY
Is it very small?

COWGIRL
It's ten feet tall.

COWBOY
It's not there.

COWGIRL
I know, but it's dripping fat, and it's sizzling. It's on a sesame bun, and you can just see some onion sticking out. There's a dab of ketchup on the onion. Maybe it popped out from under the bun. It's winking at me.

COWBOY
The onion?

COWGIRL
The burger. The bun keeps opening and closing.

COWBOY
There's no burger.

COWGIRL
I know, but it looks so good.

COWBOY
Where is it?

COWGIRL
(Points:)
There.

(Cowboy walks toward the imaginary burger.)

COWBOY
Am I there yet?

COWGIRL
It moved. It moved out of the way.

COWBOY
Where is it now?

COWGIRL
(Points again to a different spot:)
There.

COWBOY
Tell me when I get there.

(Cowboy moves toward the burger's new “location.”)

COWGIRL
It moved again.

COWBOY
Now where is it?

COWGIRL
I don't think you should chase it anymore. The bun looks angry.

COWBOY
It's in your head, baby.

COWGIRL
I know, but it's shaking from side to side. Don't make it mad.

COWBOY
You shoulda' gone vegetarian.

COWGIRL
I love vegetables.

COWBOY
On your burger.

COWGIRL
(To the imaginary burger:)
Please, just give me a little bite. A little taste. Drip fat on my tongue.

COWBOY
You know what saved me?

COWGIRL
(To the burger:)
One little drop.

COWBOY
Fish. Used to raise 'em in a pond before I met you.

COWGIRL
(To the burger:)
I love you. I need you.

COWBOY
Salmon, sometimes in burger form, sometimes just as a filet. Kept me off the beef. I could go for a good piece of salmon.

COWGIRL
(To the burger:)
Where are you going?!

COWBOY
It's about family values when you think about it.

COWGIRL
(To the burger:)
Don't leave me!

COWBOY
I had a nice tight nuclear family. My parents made sure we sat down together for dinner every Wednesday and Sunday. I set the table, my father said the grace, and my mom—I loved my mom—

COWGIRL
(To the burger:)
Come back! Oh god!

COWBOY
My mom made us a balanced meal with a meat or fish dish, a vegetable, fruit, starch—and always some color on our plate.

COWGIRL
(Beat.)
It didn't even drip anything on the ground for me to lick up.

COWBOY
It wasn't real.

COWGIRL
I'm gonna' start shaking soon.

COWBOY
You just got an injection.

COWGIRL
The lamb didn't take.

 
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