My Favorite Lines

Some of my favorite lines from my plays.  Find one that grabs you?  Go the play's page and read more.  Maybe you'll have your own favorite lines!

I 'm brave. It's my just my hand is afraid .
Simon, Ten Minutes
I t’s like a big black lipstick smudge of Cain on your forehead .
Anne, 4 A.M.
I run, and I want to witness something amazing, but there’s no movement. I feel so powerful, but here in this eerie silence of a world that’s asleep, I’m the king of a kingdom of one .
Jogging Teen, 4 A.M.
I would so love to be hit by a bus right now, so I could die in the arms of a bowling star .
Deep Note, High School (non) Musical
A s you can see, I'm crap at bravery .
Brady, The Locker Next 2 Mine
P eople leave. They do what’s inside them to do, and I can’t carry that .
Romulus, Rumors of Polar Bears (full-length)
W hen you think about it, it’s like Area 51. The government’s all “there’s no Area 51, there’s no aliens,” but hiding and pretending it isn’t there doesn’t change the fact that it is. You have to open the doors of your own personal Area 51 and come on out .
Pino, High School (non) Musical
I ’m attracted to you, but I find that attraction repulsive, and the more I try to repel my attraction, the more attractive my repulsion becomes .
Edward, Harry's Hotter at Twilight
A push, a shove--

Where’s the love in words that land like houses on witches?

No wizard to fix this paralysis,

This spectacular silence

That meets acts of violence.. .

the actor playing Achilles, Thank You for Flushing My Head in the Toilet and other rarely used expressions
W ho are you ahead of? Most of the time I see you, you’re upside down or flat on your face. How many people does that get you ahead of ?
Glinda, Thank You for Flushing My Head in the Toilet and other rarely used expressions
T he girl down the street--I’d hear her mother tell her every day, “You’ll grow up to be a murdering psychotic who guts your family in our sleep with a butter knife and a pair of knitting needles.” Her mother was wrong about the knitting needles .
Jake, Stealing Saxophones from Homeless People
B ut LaLaLa never has epiphanies. She's just beautiful .
Eden, Supermodels in Jeopardy
E xcuse me, but do you happen to be trapped in a dressing room of a collapsed building along with a lot of astoundingly gorgeous people ?
Wendy, Supermodels in Jeopardy
I once saw a dead man stand up, recite the Gettysburg Address backward and then choke the man standing next to him. They had to pry his ice cold hands off the man's throat. (beat) Dead people can do extraordinary things. Don't sell them short .
Cowboy, Beef Junkies
E ver been with a woman who sees giant beef patties floating in the street ?
Cowboy, Beef Junkies
I saw a man on the next block wearing a bra and going from can to can, sampling everybody's garbage. He didn't have a tongue. If he's not full, he might want those tongue sandwiches. I think his name is Bob. I think it's Bob because I called him Jesus once and he didn't answer .
Peter, Neverland
I don't think he's God, or Jesus. I think he's just a guy who's got underwear .
Nick, Newt Gingrich Visits a Residential Youth Facility Not Near Omaha
I try to love Jimmy. I try to start conversations with him. "Do you need any more black shirts?" or "Is that a dead rat in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? "
Zippy, X Marks the Spot
I t means I think I’m seeing a liver, but it turns out to be an orange. (Beat.) Like when the gold necklace I gave my Mom for her birthday turned out to be asparagus, or when I thought I took out the trash and I gave away our TV .
Pip, Vital Organs
M y Dad got fired, no way I'd wear their T-shirt. It'd be like bein' Jewish and wearin' a swastika. You wouldn't do that—would you ?
Hugo, War of the Buttons
Y ou know, I don't like the way you're trying to dehumanize me. I'm not just someone with a nuclear weapon. I don't think you're just someone with a nuclear weapon .
Jennifer, A-Bomb Wedding
S urrender immediately, or I'll kill this dog .
Police Captain, Bookends
I have a scar. Do you want to see it? (beat) If you look at my scar I'll go back 'cross the street. Do you want to see it? (beat) You can't, 'cause it's psychological .
Christian, Last Right Before the Void
O edipal rhymes with edible .
Johnny Doe, Play's End
I put my finger on the President's face. I put my finger right on his face .
Nick, Newt Gingrich Visits a Residential Youth Facility Not Near Omaha
I wish I was bleeding. I wish I cut my leg so I was bleeding, and you had to take care of me .
Ben, Ben
A trash baby could eat on these pants for a week, two weeks if it was careful. Or little. Like a mouse .
Lady Shakespeare, Ben
S top feeling up the bread !
Michelle, Ben
W e can’t be a real family without a TV. You ever seen a family without a TV ?
Candy, Shining Sea
O n a scale of one to weird and a half, this is creepy and three quarters .
Drew, Straight Eye for the Gay Guy
Y ou shouldn't name rats .
Candy, Shining Sea
N ow you know the whole crowd is thinkin’ the white kid is the white filling, and the black kid is the cookie crust. So there’s this incredible “what the fuck” moment when Jack, the white kid, says he’s the cookie crust .
The Wrestler, Yard Wars
Y ou can barely see the blood in the sky now. All the light’s gone out. It’s the end of the world .
Candy, Shining Sea
I always said that when I got married, I’d do it once and that would be it. Because that first time, that’s when it’s magic. Everyone watching me walk down that aisle, and he’s waiting there. And as I walk, my life becomes beautiful .
Violet, Shining Sea
I can understand why Emmett wanted to disappear. He just wanted to make it through the day without crying or screaming or wishing he was dead .
"Disappear" Student, After Math
K inda small for the apocalypse .
McHale, Pepperoni Apocalypse
D o you know what it feels like to have the only child at the swimming pool who deliberately tries to land on his head when he jumps into the water ?
Mother, Leapers
O ne minute I’m teaching the kids addition and subtraction, and the next thing I know I’m face down on the carpet with twenty tiny hands tugging on my shoulders and asking me if I’m OK. Except for Annette Pardee, who’s asking me if I’m dead, and if I am, can she have my spleen for her diorama .
Tabitha, Menagerie
T his doesn't make up for shooting me .
Daniel, The Wash
Y ou can't just come down here with a nuclear weapon and no plan .
Jennifer, A-Bomb Wedding
S he smelled so bad the other day from cleanin' up vomit, I had to go find a skunk just to drown her out .
Ticker, War of the Buttons
M y father—something, a butterfly—landed under his nose. He sneezed. A soldier thought he wasn't quite dead and put a bullet in his head. A butterfly killed my father .
Siggy, War of the Buttons
M ommy's psychic. She gets hunches that she'll have to bolt out of the house after her children kill people and call the police .
Marge, Milk and Cookies
I t’s a little off-putting to watch the moderator polishing the guillotine while you’re talking, but just don’t look at him. What I do is pick a spot on the wall .
Marie, Sudden Death Debating League
I t's only luck you don't have the blood of an innocent, purple-headed boy on your hands .
Rufus, Milk and Cookies
W hy do people have to be "special" just to be special ?
Brady, The Locker Next 2 Mine
A kidney's a keeper, I always say .
Charlie, Vital Organs
I can live with myself in a three bedroom condo. In a studio, I’d run into myself too often .
Dr. Olive, Vital Organs
M aybe we could pretend to be brothers. The two loveable uncles that wear Mr. Rogers sweaters and drink lemonade on the porch .
Thumper, The Cooking Gene
Y ou have all the answers, and I just have my fear .
Keenan, The Cooking Gene
W e were so poor that my parents couldn’t even afford a doctor to tell them that I would be lucky to live to be a teenager .
Tiny Tim, Run Like the Dickens
T iny Tim stretches a hamstring, and the hopes of a nation stretch with him .
Pink Slink, Run Like the Dickens
I f she does the tellin’, she’ll leave out the part where she’s a stick thin carcass on the side of the road a few hours short of a prophet to send her home .
Deme, Rumors of Polar Bears (one-act)
E very minute feels like my entire life .
Juliet, 4 A.M. (the musical)
I like try throwing his ball and this new chew toy that's a perfect replica of a bone and he kind of shuffles a couple steps and then just leans against my leg until I pet him and oh my god I just made up that my dog is dying to get you to stay what is my problem? !
Gavin, Straight Eye for the Gay Guy
M y dad says I better enjoy it now, cause when I get older I'm gonna be ugly and stupid and probably poor unless I marry somebody rich .
Chloe, Closeted
Co-Chair of the Alliance of Los Angeles
, member of The Dramatists Guild of America, and life member of the Philadelphia Dramatists Center.

Final Draft Resident Playwriting Expert and author of

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Recent News
World Premiere!!!
Me, My Selfie & I co-premiered at Lompoc High School (Lompoc, CA) and Westmont High School (Campbell, CA) at the end of September. This one-act with a flexible cast introduces us to a group of teens as they struggle to find the balance between documenting their lives and living them. 
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The Midnight Club is Now Published!
Read a sample of my latest play, the short comedy The Midnight Club, my teen monster-themed homage to the classic John Hughes 80s film. It's now published by Playscripts as part of a new collection, Scared Silly!
Playwriting Webinars!
Now available for purchase, two great webinars from yours truly! Each is nearly 90 minutes and packed with info (with a PowerPoint too!):
Playwriting 101:  Everything You Need to Know to Write a Play
Writing Plays for Young People: How to Write for the Biggest Market Nobody Knows About

Upcoming Productions
The Magic Hour
Viking Theatre (Rock Hill, SC), February 2018
Dear Chuck (one-act version)
White Knoll High School (Lexington, SC), February 2018
4 A.M.
Thurso Players (Caithness, United Kingdom), February 2018
Dear Chuck
Hardee High School (Wauchula, FL), March 2018
Me, My Selfie & I
The Young Creatives (Portsmouth, Hampshire, United Kingdom), March 2018
Me, My Selfie & I
Berkhamsted School (Berkhamsted, Hertfordshire, United Kingdom), March 2018
High School (non) Musical
Montrose Area School District (Montrose, PA), March 2018
Dear Chuck (one-act version)
Fremont High School (Plain City, UT), March 2018
Thank You for Flushing My Head in the Toilet and other rarely used expressions
Del Valle High School (Del Valle, TX), April 2018
Dear Chuck (one-act version)
H. Hardcastle School (Edam, SK, Canada), April 2018
From Shakespeare with Love?
Bad Theatre Co. (Asuncion, Paraguay), May 2018
Me, My Selfie & I
Woldingham School (Woldingham, Surrey, United Kingdom), May 2018
Pepperoni Apocalypse
St. Helen Catholic School (Georgetown, TX), May 2018
High School (non) Musical
Coakley Middle School Drama Club (Norwood, MA), June 2018
After Math
Pope John Paul II High School (Hendersonville, TN), November 2018
Stay tuned...: I've got multiple play ideas I'm developing. See what appears first...
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